Kill me now
by swimmypie
Summary: Kurt is hopeless, he feels lonely and useless, and he wants to kill himself. Suck at summaries sorry. Suicidal!Kurt. DEATHfic


**N/A : Hi everyone, I just wanted to tell you English is not my native language, so be gentle. I know I surely have a lot of grammatical mistakes, but I have nobody to correct them, so. I respect every review, so don't hesitate to let me one review or two ! xD - SadRainbows.**

**WARNING : This story mentions suicide, death, and bullying.**

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I'm feeling desesperate, sad, lost, but most importantly _useless._

Do you know that feeling when you feel like you can do nothing, everybody around you, especially your family, treats you like if you're useless ? This is what I'm feeling right now, but it's worse.

I got a fight with Finn, he said to me horrible things, but I think he's right. It just told me what I've been told myself for ages : _'Damn, Kurt ! Why don't you do that ? Are you unable to do something ? You have your hands, your legs ? Then DO IT DAMMIT !'_. His words resound again in my head.

And now I'm cutting myself with a razor. One, two, three times. Each cut hurts me. It's burning, it's warm and cold at the same time. But it feels good. I feel like I'm open to freedom. The freedom which opens to death.

Death. This word became my principal word. After suicide of course.

I remember when my mum died. I was so destroyed. I was seen a psycologist but he couldn't help me. All I wanted is to die. So, I came to my father, and I handed him a knife, and I begged him to kill me. He started to cry, as much he cried for my mum's loss. I cried too. He just lost his wife, he couldn't lose his son too. Then he looked at me and said _'Kurt, my little boy, I love you so much. We lost your mum, and I know it's hard but we gotta get through this. We'll find happiness some day. I promise you something Kurt, I know it's not going to me easy each day, but we'll be together, we'll get through everything together. You are my son, and I love you, I'll protect you, I'll cherish you. No matter what.'_

We hugged tightly by crying again and again.

Like he said, my life was not easy everyday. Children were making fun at me because of my voice, and later because of my sexuality. I was and I still am the only openly gay at school.

When I was 13, I fell in love with that guy in the literary club. He was the president. His name was James. He had that smile which could shine the whole room. I know it's just a metaphor, but he was like the most perfect human being in the world. Everybody fancied him. And he was the only one I see. But unfortunately, despite his intelligence, he was one of the guys who treated me like an idiot me. He bullied me every single day. I was so lonely, why would anyone hate me just for my look or my sexuality. It's in that moment when my wish to kill myself came back.

For a long time, I was alone, at school, at home, everywhere. Nobody was there for me. My father tried several times to help me but he knew he could do nothing. I know I hurt him, I know he cried sometimes in the darkness of his room, I heard him crying and praying to God to make me feel better. And I feel sorry for him.

One day, at the highschool, I met Finn Hudson, the quarterback of the football team. The man who dated the lead of the Cheerleaders. Actually, he was the most popular at school. He remembered me of James. He was better than James. He was in Glee Club but never noticed me. His mum fell in love with my father, and then we had dinner once a week together. I saw how Finn looked at me, he hated me whereas I loved him, more than anything.

Our parents got married. He pretended to be the big brother, the one who protected me. But in fact, he was the contrary of what he seemed to be. We shared a room and he didn't dare to look at me or talk to me. I was like the Devil in person. Like _'don't touch this man, he's evil !'._

Anyway, I've never had a place in the world. Why was I born in Earth ? I'm useless, right ? I want to die, now. I tried to kill myself plenty of times, but I feel like it's now or never. I prepared this moment since forever. I see myself again as that little who wanted to kill himself after his mother's death. Dad will be fine, he has Carole, and Finn, the perfect straight son. The son he always wanted.

I fill the tub with water. I get undressed, and I look at the mirror a last time. I'm ugly, I look like a ghost, I have circles under my eyes. My eyes are actually the only good thing in me. They have the color of a deep ocean. Blu, green, grey. I wanna die in a ocean, but I can't. So I take the tub.

I enter into the tub.

The heat of the water is overwhelming, but my cuts hurt a little more. I don't care, I can do this. I dive into the depth of the tub slowly.

Think about something happy Kurt. My mum yeah. When she took my to the ice-cream seller. Chocolate-mint was my favourite perfume. Yummy… I'm gonna join you mum. We'll be gathered at last, and then papa will join us… Goodbye awful world, you'd be better without me… I take a last breath and I let the death take my life.

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Hope you liked it ! A review please ? :)


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